An Open Letter to the Good People at Vlasic Pickles
Your Pickle Balls are God's greatest creation
For hundreds of thousands of years, since our first ape ancestor discovered that two things could be put in their mouth at the same time, humanity has been refining the artform of creating food. But it was only in 2025 that I found out that we had perfected it.
After being coerced into the San Franciscan tradition of dunking oneself into the Pacific Ocean on the morning of January 1st after a night of resolutional drinking and half a cigarette, I took it upon myself to direct our car back via the great American institution of 7/11 for a well-deserved Big Gulp. It could have ended right there, with me and my Diet Dr Pepper, but then a new product caught my eye.
The first thing I put in my body this year was a Vlasic Pickle Ball. This was not just the markings of a new year, but the dawn of an entirely new era.
When people think about vegan foods, they think they are condemned to a life sentence of grainy and healthy virtue. But the good people at Vlasic said this wouldn’t be so. They had a vision, and they executed.
Picture it: a harmonious sphere, a radiant green glow, a delicate crunch, and a pickley tang. Pure flavor synthesized into perfect form.
Innovation, nay revolution, can be seeded from the least likely of places.
Note the lineup of the Vlasic products. All of them, the classic jar with briny product format. But one thing stands out.
These guys have bravery, they have guts. Somewhere, deep in the crevices of the $12 billion revenue multinational conglomerate parent company Canagra Foods, someone stood up and said, “Balls”. This is what I call courage. Remember when we did things? When we went to the moon. When we cured smallpox. When we harnessed our powers of production and ingenuity to bring good things down on humanity for the sheer love of the game. These guys remember, and they do it. Not because it is easy, but because it is hard. Or because an executive thought it was a funny pun. And I think for sure this will turn their ship around.
We humans have done some marvelous things. We dug a canal through the sand of the Suez. We took to the skies. We sewed an ear onto a mouse. We built the Great Library of Alexandria. And I would burn it all down again for the Vlasic Pickle Ball.
What right does this orb of delights have to be so good? When you open the bag, you are overcome with the heavenly industrially vinegar bouquet. When my girlfriend is in one of her typical female hysterias, all I need to do is open a bag and waft it in front of her nose, the smelling salts bringing her back from the brink.
The vibrant package just displays two words of marketing: “BIG CRUNCH”. Big crunch indeed. And the flavors. The flavors can only be described as the emergent science of Flavor Maximalism. And yet, somehow this whole fairly large bag is only a very reasonable 290 calories. In fact, it’s one of those foods where you spend more calories processing it than you take in, because you end up writing fevered articles on the internet. The only thing missing is a whiskey ball for the full pickleback experience.
What started as a Pickle Ball-related gimmick marketed to the tennis-for-cowards crowd has clearly blossomed into so much more. It has been out for less than a year at the time of writing, and has already become a cultural civilizational institution. On a night’s jaunt to the best bar in San Francisco, Horsie’s Market, we discover to our amazement that none other than Vlasic’s Pickle Balls were pinned up with the potato confectioneries above the bar. Apparently, the bartender had found a bag on a road trip and bought it because he thought his wife would find it funny. They have mastered their consumer strategy: come for the joke, stay for the perfection. This is expert marketing; they will put their balls in the hands of millions.
And after ALL of this, you know what is amazing? Their sheer humility. Their benevolence. These guys know what they have and what they could charge. And yet, see for yourself here. It is on Amazon for a mere $2.12 for the whole bag.
Priced like tap water.
No notes *
* one note: sticks in your teeth. More the form factor than anything. Vlasic, please make a floss line.