God I love the Mission. It’s so good, it’s not even close. Where else are you really going to live? You’re gonna live in Noe Valley and develop a prenatal yoga addiction? The other neighborhoods are either characterless food deserts or impossible to get to. And look, we can’t live downtown. This leaves one clear choice: The Mish. I get it, the other neighborhoods of SF are cuter or whatever with their fancy Victorian houses and their steep hills and breathtaking views and all that jazz. But if you want somewhere real and not just some suburbia larping as a city, there is only one place to be.

Not needing a car. I understand if you’re reading this you’re probably so America-brained that you don’t understand the freedom of not needing a vehicle, but god damn this is the whole point of being in a city.

Density. Within a 10 minute walk of my house I can get to anything from hot yoga studios to shisha lounges to unlicensed dentists. I have 5 different ethnic grocers who know me by name. Where do you even buy your spices? And we have a Grocery Outlet. Do I wish a Trader Joes was closer by? Yes. Would I trade for it? No fucking way. You go ahead and suckle on the teat of TJs, I will take my cosmopolitan freedom.

Weather. I heard SF gets fog. I wouldn’t know about that.

Food. I don’t need to explain to you that there’s abundant good and cheap food in the Mission. You need to explain to me how anyone has the money and lack of taste buds to enjoy places like Hayes Valley.

Culture. The rest of SF is uniformly devoid of cultural character. The Mission, on an off day, has a Low Rider festival. There’s Danceoween, Carnival, every Mexican Holiday, and SF’s best bar, Horsies. Everything is in the Mission. Even the Gays venture out of the Castro to claim their own section of Dolores Park and take over the whole thing for Pride.

Counterarguments

It’s gross, there’s poop everywhere

Read Squished Rats and Marigolds about learning to love the Mission. You can do it too.

And so what if there’s poop. Are you so divorced from nature and the cycle of life that you can’t appreciate a little poop? Have you learnt the textures and intricacies? Look at it long enough and you’ll learn the difference between dog and human, and then the difference between different humans. Have you learned all the nations flags that people place in them? And then oh how you learn to appreciate the streets without poop. And how you learn to appreciate and love the cleansing rains that wash the poop and sins of the city away.

Golden Gate Park is a way better park

You like pretending to be in a city while being next to a good park.

It’s expensive to be in SF

I’m pretty much making money by not having a car and spending nothing on groceries.

There are other walkable livable places, like Berkeley

Ok, nerd.

There’s too many homeless people around the 16th St Bart Stop

Just get off at 24th St and enjoy the stolen goods market.

Stop gentrifying the fucking place

I’m sorry.

It’s not kid/family friendly

I don’t know how people seriously say this. I see more kids in the Mission than anywhere else. It’s just wealthy tech families that aren’t here. You’re both lame and a racist.

Get a bike, jackass

No.

The recipe comes from Marco Pierre White, the English cook who started the whole angry chef bit that took off with his protoge Gordon Ramsay. Here he appears a bit washed up in a special on vegetarian dishes for the BBC. He is way too aggressive for this lentil cooking video, which is a kind of work of art.

The recipe comes mostly wholesale copied from this video, though I add a lot of rosemary and balsamic. Get a whole bunch of lentils, I do 3 lb (1.5kg) at a time in a big pot and it feeds tons of people. He starts with an inexplicable blanching step where you bring them to a boil, immediately kill it with cold water, drain, and start again. I have no idea what this does. I imagine you could skip this step and just make sure you rinse them. But I do it because that’s what daddy Marco says to do.

Basically you just cook the buggers with a ton of olive oil, whole garlic, and bay leaves. In the video, Marco says to put in thyme. I never have thyme, but I do have a rosemary bush around. Tell you what, you probably have a rosemary bush around. You can just go for a walk and swipe some of your neighbor’s rosemary off their rosemary bush. No one will know. No one will care. It’s the perfect crime.

Marco tells us to add stock. I use better than bouillon veggie flavor. Always buy stock concentrate, all the store-bought liquid cartons of stock are just diluted concentrate that you have to pay more for, and then they laugh all the way back to the bank.

Words to live by, Marco.

So put all of those in at the start. Cover it with water from the kettle. Bring it to a simmer and leave it there for like 20 mins, topping up with water to keep it barely covered as you go. Near the end, put in a few more rosemary sprigs.

You then want to put in a ton of salt, pepper, and more olive oil to taste. I also add a little bit of balsamic. He prefers a method of tasting where he repeatedly sticks his digits in the boiling hot dish then fingers his face.

Wise words to live by, Marco.

Recipe annoyingly placed at the end after story you don’t care about

Definitely an eyeball kinda recipe. You don’t get measurements

• Rinse 1 or 2 or 3 lb of whole green lentils

• Put them in a pot with some stock, and a quarter bottle of olive oil

• Bring to a boil, add in some rosemary sprigs, a few bay leaves, and a few peeled cloves of garlic

• Gently simmer for 20 mins or so until you’re happy with the texture. Remember it’ll continue to cook with residual heat.

• A few minutes before you turn off the heat, add more rosemary sprigs

• Season with salt, a ton of pepper, and a little bit of balsamic

• If you don’t season to the max, then it’s underseasoned

As stated in a previous post, I think one of the most valuable things the alt protein industry can do is stop bad things coming to market. The people want protein, and we should give the people protein. But we gotta stop putting garbage products into the world. Currently it’s only sold direct to consumers, you need to buy a whole 12-pack of them, but hopefully they put a stop to it before they roll it out in stores.

Quotes from giving it to people at brunch today:

• Why does it taste like that?

• It’s surprisingly bitter.

• It doesn’t taste like either pina or colada.

• They’ve added a lot of flavors to cover up something bad. You can still taste it.

• It tastes pukey sometimes but it’s ok.

• I won’t drink that, I’ve spat it out before.

• Oh my god I fucking love that.

• For 20g of protein and 100 calories, I’d crush four of these. If you put vodka in it, it would slap.

• I don’t know why it’s so weird. It doesn’t taste like… food.

• It tastes like a gross thing covering up another gross thing.

So I think I know what has happened here. The wizards at America’s favorite pea protein provider, Puris, recently did their magic and invented ClearP, a hydrolyzed pea protein that dissolves clear in water. The historic problem with pea protein is that it is THICK and NASTY in beverages. Hydrolyzation is a fix to this problem to help it dissolve, it chops up the long pea protein chains into smaller protein chains and peptides (Peptides! San Francisco do you hear!?!). The problem is that even though it’s dissolved, it must still taste like pea protein or maybe the peptides themselves have a stank to them, so you need a lot flavors to cover the taste. But everyone was very excited about it, and it makes for a very simple beverage. Mix it with water, flavors, sweeteners, and colors, and you’ve got yourself a fancy new protein drink product. So Beyond comes out with Immerse. The problem is likely that the hydrolized pea protein is just not good enough to make a neutral protein water. Sad, but they might be able to do it in the future. It’s almost certainly worth the effort to try.

It looks like a new company has sprung up around hyrdrolized pea protein, VUUM. From looking at their website, I can only hope that the copy was written by an LLM:

VUUM is on a mission to disrupt the stagnant protein drink category. Tested and created by real people after years of formulation implementing cutting edge technologies.

I, for one, want no part of their stagnant protein drink. But I wish them and their real people the best and hope they succeed. Someone please try it and report back.

The Vegan Menu Project

Every restaurant should have a separate physical menu or QR code that takes you to an online one, showing everything that is or can be made vegan. This would essentially be making a way better version of happy cow. I have a whole step-by-step plan of how you would do it here.

This is easy with AI:

1. Scrape the menu photos off google maps

2. Parse the menus to get all the items

3. Figure out which items are vegan using an LLM

4. Create a mobile app where power-users can verify that items are vegan or not

5. Once you have all the vegan items confirmed, ship them the menu

Catalogue every vegan product

Historically this has been difficult but Claude will be able to automate a lot of this. The best current effort we have is Vegan Action which does the vegan certifications, but many products do not want to be certified vegan. Many products I buy are not listed.

No oreos on your list! That’s a problem.

You’d want to capture as many products as possible, starting with major grocery chains and online stores. You can inspect ingredient labels to work this out with AI tools. Or you can just access Open Food Facts or similar databases to get information directly and filter.

Is It Vegan almost does this, you can scan something and it tells you if it’s vegan. But they don’t expose their proprietary database. Boooooo!

If you were smart, you could sell this as labeled data to these same stores to allow for customers to filter! They might pay good money for that.

Quality control

Last year I had a post Every vegan product I shoved in my mouth in February 2025. While flippant, I think the point stands that there are a ton of quite bad products out there, and this should be recorded somewhere.

Nectar is currently the main group doing reviews. But they are doing thorough sensory panels, which doesn’t scale to every product. And they anonymize the products.

My basic take on sensory panels is that most people you do not need statistical signal to know when products are bad. Get 3–5 people with representative palates, sit them down, and have them eat it. You could even calibrate this small panel against Nectar’s results. At minimum, we’d have a record of what’s really bad. And there’s a lot.

When companies and startups want to take new products to market, there should be pressure to submit it to this review panel first.

Sunsetting bad vegan products

Products have gotten so much better over the last 10 years, but there’s still a lot of bad stuff on shelves. The Trader Joe’s vegan sausages, for instance, are terrible and actively harming the movement. I’ve always found this strange since their other vegan products are so good. People don’t judge vegan food by the best we have to offer. Someone gets curious, picks something random off the shelf, and bases their judgment on that. For that reason, it is very important that every product on the shelf is good.

Nectar’s data shows a large gap between the best and average product in each category, meaning a lot of products are dragging the average down.

For whatever reason, the market isn’t fixing this on its own. The Trader Joe’s sausages keep selling. There are vegan protein bars at Whole Foods that omnivores find inedible. There are many explanations for this:

• Distributors bundle products together, so bad ones ride on good ones

• Companies sell many flavors or similar products together, only some of which are good

• The industry optimizes for vegans rather than omnivores

Vegans and omnivores have different taste preferences. We should only be selling products in the overlap of that Venn diagram, and there are plenty. We’re a little bit too nice to each other, unfortunately. We’re all on the same team, so it feels bad to tell someone to stop when they’re trying to bring something to market, but I think that’s what we need to do.

The two main things to do here are:

Stop people taking bad new things to market

Make sure the new products that startups and larger companies are making get sent through the centralized quality control. If it fails, inform investors and who they’re trying to sell to. It is harsh but will be healthier for the industry in the long run.

Sunsetting

We need to get how to get Trader Joes to stop selling their sausages, for instance. This could be using networks in vegan media, social media influencers, etc. This is one area where we have a surprising amount of influence.

That’s the stick. On the carrot end, we should be ready for them with better comanufacturers. There are a lot of good sausages out there!

Vegan products without borders

When traveling I find great products that aren’t available in the US, usually only in their home country. Australia has great products that aren’t available here, like this chocolate spread. Germany has great cold cuts. The list goes on. Things are localized, and it’s hard to go international, so there should be a concerted effort to find the good ones and help them scale.

The project would be to identify the best products globally, then help them scale, license, or get duplicated for other markets.

Anthony Bourdain for Veganism

We need a charismatic vegan travel show, much higher quality than what’s on YouTube now. Most are the same cookie cutter of ticking off all the vegan restaurants in a city they travel to and have to put out constant stream of content garbage.

We need well-researched episodes where someone goes to a city or country, and gets to the core of that culture’s relationship with vegan food. Countries have incredibly rich vegan food histories, and there will be a good way to bring that out. At the very least we will uncover more foods that we can spread around.

Trader Joe’s invests heavily in cultural food discovery and it pays off. I’m suggesting we do our own version, popularize it with media, and focus on dishes and products that can spread globally. There’s a lot out there to be found.

Get into the Chinese restaurant supply chain

Note: I would be surprised if someone hasn’t tried this, and would be interested to hear why it hasn’t worked.

In Sydney, the Chinese restaurant scene universally adopted dumplings stuffed with fried eggplant that are very popular. For the standard restaurants most people eat at, there is a supply chain at the core that decides what is made.

The majority of Chinese takeout restaurants in the US are very similar to each other. They have similar menus, and use the same suppliers. We now have products good and cheap enough to put a few vegan proteins on every menu, and this would require figuring out how to get into this system. I suggest a concerted effort: work with a local Chinese restaurant to see what the form factor would be the easiest to get into their workflow, and what would be popular.

Copy-paste for other cuisines.

Today at Inkhaven, Drew Schorno writes Against Veganism, subtitled: Picking fights for fun 𐫱

Ok.

Because Drew is a corruptible bootlicker who has accepted sponsorship funding from Big Wordpress.com, he was instructed to “not be mean”. I am under no such obligations.

Apologies if my thoughts are half baked and don’t make any sense, but they are at least my own.

Yeah Drew, it shows.

It’s clear what’s going on here. Drew likes eating meat. That’s a normal and fine thing, and we shouldn’t shame people for it. But what is shameful is trying to retrofit your philosophy instead of just saying that being a vegetarian is hard and you don’t want to do it.

Poor Drew tells the story of his mean highschool girlfriend who bullied him into being a vegetarian for a whole “few months.” He now has “philosophical objections”.

Philosophical Objection 1: Veganism is more preoccupied with projecting moral purity than with achieving its own stated goals.

Damn Drew, looks like a slam dunk for you. Some vegans definitely do this. I’m sure you’ll stick the landing.

He argues that in capitalism we have markets (a genius observation). If you don’t want chickens to be hurt, then you should buy eggs from people who treat their chickens well. So far, so good. But then he says it’s actually better to buy high-welfare eggs than to not buy them at all. If you buy high welfare, you’ll drag the whole industry with you and it’s way better (because that’s how Drew thinks commodity products work)! And if you don’t buy eggs at all, the market will make spooky weird chemical foods instead.

I was so confused reading this. Yes this is exactly what we want the market to do. We want to replace torture foods with torture-free alternatives and make them better over time, but because you’re scared by instagram influencers you’re worried about weird chemicals and that it’s somehow a dead end? You literally hand-fill pyruvite and gelatine into capsules, take desiccated bovine thyroid extract, and inject yourself with peptides from the dark web. But ok you’re scared of JUST Egg.

And yeah Drew, I’m sure you’re really only eating high welfare eggs that you personally validate come from chicken heaven. (lol but actually if you’re doing this, please keep doing this)

Philosophical Objection 2: Prioritizing animals over plants is arbitrary

Jesus Christ.

Look, even if you’ve done the acrobatics to get yourself to think this, you know vegans kill less plants than you, right?

Sorry let me dumb this down. Me and you, Drew, we’re animals 🐒. We need to eat things to grow💪big and strong. But we also poop 🙈 and use up energy. So actually there are waaay more calories that we need to consume than is in our flesh. When we farm animals 🐄 🐥 we need to feed them too so they can grow! So we feed them plants 🌱🌱. Lots and lots of plants where the energy mostly goes to waste. Oh no 🚨 The poor suffering plants 😭!!!! Luckily vegans eat the plants directly 😋 so they actually eat less of them.

Also no the Jains don’t agree with your insane take. I know some stuff about Jainism, and literally their whole thing is to not cause harm to life that suffers. They follow a heuristic to consider what is sentient based on the number of senses they have. So plants are way down the hierarchy. Jains are open to their moral worth, but it’s far from arbitrary, they care about animals and their suffering way more.

Philosophical Objection 3: The logic of Veganism is antinatalist, and if you follow it to the end of its conclusions it promotes the extinguishing of all life.

Time to dust off the old math degrees. Ok so less of something and 0 of something are actually different concepts. I know it’s confusing, because they’re in the same direction. But trust me on this.

But, like, do you really think this? Have you engaged with reality? Are you curious at all about what happens on factory farms? It’s the modern day, you can just get this information now. There’s so many videos out there, they’ve got it in VR goggles and stuff now. You can even ask your AI chatbot, they’re pretty clued in.

It’s not antinatalist to look at the situation and say “you know what, maybe that overgrown chicken with the beak and claws chopped off whose legs have broken under its own weight, maybe we wanna not bring those into the world anymore.” Like yeah, we want less of them. Way less of them. But that’s insane to say that vegans are advocating for the end of all life because any suffering exists. Actually, having pet chickens is pretty rad. There’s a whole subreddit for it.

Philosophical Objection 4: You are not exempt from the sins of society as a whole

Ugh.

Oh look at me, I’m Drew. Nobody is responsible for anything because society exists. It’s actually mean to expect people to have morals, especially poor people. Society and the market will figure it all out without individuals doing anything different. The technology will come. Everything will just sort of happen. And until then, because it’s so hard and tough for other people with less means to do things, I don’t gotta either.

Drew’s Conclusion

Sharing food is one of the oldest human bonding rituals and rigid dietary restrictions make that hard to do. Eating together with people is good, and I feel like we should be trying to do it more.

Waaah waah waaah my mean friends won’t want to eat lunch with me so I’m actually philosophically in the right. Grow up.

23 compatriots answered the call of science, blinded to all the compounds. Results are here.

Main Findings

• Nutritional yeast tastes better if you’ve had it before!

• There is a bimodal split as to whether people find baking soda salty!

• Both sodium-only and chloride-only molecules taste somewhat salty by themselves.

• Weirdly, finding MSG salty does not correlate with finding baking soda salty, even though they’ve both got sodium ions!

• If you like nooch, you’re less likely to perceive straight sugar-water as salty??? This was the most statistically significant finding.

Let’s get yeasty

Anecdotally, it seems like many people don’t like nutritional yeast the first time they try it.

We put some nutritional yeast in an unlabeled bowl and we asked participants to shove it in their mouths.

We asked:

• How much do you like this? (1-5)

• Have you had this before? (Yes, No, Unsure)

• Qualitative description

The distribution of liking nooch seems to be pretty flat.

This is astounding to me as someone who quite likes nooch.

But do people who have tried nooch before like it more? Yes

Using the Mann-Whitney U test, we’d only see results like that 9% of the time if the effect wasn’t real! I think we’re onto something.

The group that knew what it was described it with words like cheesy, fermented, umami

The group that didn’t know what it was described it as like chips, like peanuts, like parm without the goodness, like weetbix, and with un-fun texture and unpleasant.

Extreme results

Nooch Rating 1

• Subtly crunchy, dry, aggressively pseudo cheesy note — Tried before — Vegetarian, Female (cis), 31

• Like sawdust — Tried before — Omnivore, Male (cis), 21

• Bitter and horrible — Unsure — Omnivore, Male (cis), 20

Nooch Rating 5

• At first it was a slightly-positive-meh saltiness at the tip of my tongue and then it spread across my whole tongue and developed a much more complex and full bodied flavor that I liked weirdly a Lot — Never tried — Reducetarian, Nonbinary/other (AFAB), 30

• It’s a salty, cheesy dust that lingers in the mouth and sticks to the back of the teeth — Tried before — Omnivore, Male (cis), 30

• Crispy at the start, but suddenly dissolves into a sticky paste. A burst of flavor, like something salty, but not salty. Umami? MSG? — Tried before — Vegan, Female (trans), 25

• Tasty, I feel this is quite dry — Tried before — Vegan, Male (cis), 36

Gimme that sweet, sweet protein

Glycine is an amino acid (a building block of protein).

We put it in a bowl, and asked participants to ingest the unlabeled white powder.

We asked:

• Qualitative description

• What do you think it is?

• How much do you like it?

Respondents felt neutral-to-bad about glycine.

Almost everyone thought it was sugar, or an artificial sugar.

In researching glycine, I discovered that various glycine plants in China have become popular on Gen Z TikTok.

Extreme results

Glycine Rating 1

• sand, in mouth tasteless at first then bitter. — Omnivore, Male (cis), 34

Glycine Rating 5

• Very slightly sweet but not sugar probably some kind of artificial sweetener — Omnivore, Male (cis), 30

• sweet — Vegetarian, Male (cis), 7

What’s salty, my guy?

Previously, the Slime Mold Time Mold team had some shenanigans with experiments around Potassium Chloride salt, a common salt replacement where you can get that salty tang without the sodium.

This raises the question: is the sodium ion not the salty part? Is it the chloride that’s actually salty?

We put it to the test, getting participants to rate the saltiness of various solutions. Various powders were added to different cups until they vaguely matched in taste level (doing equal mass doesn’t work because our receptors detect chemicals at different densities).

We had (in order):

• Monosodium glutamate (MSG) - sodium, no chloride

• Baking soda (sodium bicarbonate) - sodium, no chloride

• Potassium chloride - chloride, no sodium

• Sugar - throw them off the scent

• Water - another trick

• Table salt (sodium chloride) - sodium AND chloride, that classic salt

• Creatine - more misdirection

I had also prepared some sodium carbonate the night before. You can make it by heating baking soda in the oven for an hour at 200C until it has fully degassed. I was successful in this mission, then left it in a convenient location for someone to find and throw out. So it was not included.

Here are the results

Salt is salty!

Having JUST chloride (potassium chloride) or JUST sodium (baking soda/msg) seems to be equally mediumly salty.

Tasting these solutions greatly displeased many participants. There were very creative facial expressions. One participant had to spit their MSG into a bin.

It turns out all of them are awful when you don’t expect them.

🚨BIMODAL ALERT🚨

Everything seemed pretty normally distributed around the mean, EXCEPT BAKING SODA!

Some people find it very salty, other people find it not very salty! Weird!

The den of spurious correlations

⬇It seems like there’s a correlation with finding both potassium chloride and baking soda salty⬇

⬇Disliking Nooch might correlate with finding baking soda salty⬇

⬇Liking glycine might correlate with finding KCL salty⬇

⬇Also, weirdly, the most significant result was: If you like nooch, you find sugar LESS salty⬇

Why are nooch haters thinking that sugar is salty?? Something is wrong with those guys.

Null findings

Age and gender/sex descriptors didn’t seem to matter.

I would have thought that finding MSG salty would correlate with finding baking soda salty, but it does not!

Edit: What my girlfriend’s mom sent me 2 minutes after posting

Here is the theory so far.

There are many nutrients we need to survive, and we have governors (thermostats) for some of them that keep us in homeostasis by making us take actions. Individual nutrients don’t really exist in nature, most things come through food. The human body developed a bunch of sensors (smell, texture, etc.) to build a predictive model for what nutrients are in food. That model is taste. You eat spinach, your body detects iron hours later, and your taste model learns that spinach means iron. Next time you’re low in iron, the iron governor acts on your taste model to make spinach sound tasty.

Subscribe now

Great theory, there are still some questions. We would want nutrient governors + an updating taste model to explain most of our experience of taste. But there are some problems.

Maybe the taste model doesn’t update?

The Shallow Diver handsomely asked on my last post:

Do we find lots of people who crave taking multivitamins? Mine definitely have a characteristic flavor and more iodine than a seaweed snack, but I’m oddly not interested in popping an extra one [...]. Am I a weirdo who is strangely immune to tasty multivitamins?

I think there might be a lot of things going on here. It could be that multivitamins just don’t work in delivering vitamins to the body (probably for some nutrients but not for all). It could be that there is too little sensory information from a small multivitamin for the taste model to learn on. It could be that there is an inherent bias in the brain of what food is, and a multivitamin just wouldn’t fit in that because we don’t see that kind of nutrient dense food in the ancestral environment.

I think you would need a competing theory of taste to explain non-updating taste. For instance, why is steak tasty? Intuitively it’s “because it is juicy and meaty and yum” but that feels circular. What I think you’d need to say is that taste is innate. Taste is inherent at birth, and there is a craving for juicy meat that we learned through evolution, and there’s no getting around that.

But I find this unsatisfying because taste is definitely adaptive. Different cultures have different tastes. Many people from Asian cultures don’t eat steak and kinda don’t like it when they’re exposed to it for the first time. What we eat as children definitely seems important, but I know from my experience being vegan that my tastes have significantly shifted from what I ate as a kid. Fish has remained a craving. To all my vegans in the comments, please sound off about what sticks around for you!

So in any case we need a theory for how taste adapts.

What’s going on with texture?

Fresh french fries are delicious. A crisp outside, a fluffy interior. But leave them for half an hour and they become cold, limp, and despicable. I don’t like cold french fries nearly as much. What gives? fresh and cold french fries have identical nutrition Why do I like one and not the other? We love crispy fried things more than greasy fried things. This seems like a strong and universal preference that cannot be explained by nutrients.

In parts of East Asia like Taiwan, they seek out the QQ texture. This is the squishy cloud-like texture of mochi. There are many ways to achieve this texture, what’s going on here? And why is it memetic? It doesn’t seem like nutrients have much to do with this at all. Also why do they all like it? Culture seems to be very important to the taste model. Maybe the governors for status or belonging also influence taste?

Then what is going on with chocolate? People love well tempered chocolate that is crisp and glossy, and dislike poorly tempered chocolate that is chalky. But they have identical nutrients. There might be some explanations by how it melts in the mouth, fat release, volatilization of compounds, or some other receptor contact.

What in god’s name is going on with plant-based milks??

This to me is the largest problem with the theory if we want to take it anywhere. Plant milks make up something like 15% of sales now, they are by far the most popular product category to have come out of the vegan product space.

But plant milks, especially oat, are nutritionally devoid*. They are textured water. But sometimes I kinda love an oat cortado. People explain it by saying there are a lot of lactose intolerant people that switched over, but I don’t find that satisfying. Why would they crave the frothiness of a cappuccino in the first place if they weren’t reaping the benefits? Why am I craving the frothiness of a cappuccino?

Please send more problems with the theory

I will provide research directions for what we should do in a future post. But we want this theory to be robust. Please give feedback on any other holes you see, then let’s falsify it!

*Exception for soy milk. It totally makes sense to love soy milk. Soy is perfect human food.

I like this theory a lot. In short, they describe the mind as a cybernetic control system. You have a number of thermostats (they call governors) for base drives like salt, hunger, status, warmth, thirst, safety, etc. When you are too high or low in any of these, your governor makes you experience an emotion or drive to make you behave in a way that brings you back to homeostasis.

They wrote about its implications for alternative protein in The Cybernetics of Alternative Turkey. I think it’s a good start but needs fleshing out a bit, which I will do in this post, laying out a theory of taste based on cybernetics. I think this is important, because it is an argument against the default position which I’ll call the Gustatory Dupe Theory, where taste is purely a factor of appearance, smell, retronasal olfaction, texture, mouthfeel, etc. that combine in the brain into something delicious, independently of nutrition. A good product, by this logic, has to match perfectly or well enough on gustatory dimensions. This has given rise to the PTC, the Price Taste Convenience hypothesis, where states if these three factors are matched by plant-based products, consumers will switch overI think if people are pushed, they’ll say that nutrition matters, but in practice most efforts go towards making gustatory dupes.

My credentials are that I was a leading machine learning researcher in alternative protein products and research space for some time. I have worked with many companies, and tasted countless products.

The core of SMTM’s argument is that people eat food for nutrition. The mind with its many governors constructs desires for food based on how nutrition is fulfilled, where taste is your mind saying you like the nutrients you’re detecting.

In this model, motivation is the result of many different drives, each trying to maintain some kind of homeostasis, and the systems creating the drives are called governors. In eating behavior, different governors track different nutrients and try to make sure you maintain your levels, hit your micros, get enough of each.

There’s still a lot we don’t know about this, but to give one example we’re confident about, there’s probably one governor that makes sure you get enough sodium, which is why you add salt to your food. There’s also at least one governor that keeps track of your fat intake, at least one governor clamoring for sugar, probably a governor for potassium. Who knows.

You like turkey because when you eat it, you are receiving certain nutrients, and then your expectations adapt to learn that turkey - and it’s associated taste, texture, smell, look, etc. - gives you those nutrients. So if you’re going to replace turkey with an alternative turkey, it would need to match on all facets of taste, texture, and nutrition, and that is really hard. It would be easier to motivate people with new products that are cheap and accessible where you just satisfy nutrition, without acting on pre-existing expectations. Tofu is more widely consumed in Asia because it is not an alternative acting on “meat” expectations.

The prime example is avocado. It has been incredibly successful as a breakfast food, displacing dairy and eggs, but has never been seen as an alternative. It satisfies many nutrients and broke in as its own new category. SMTM suggests this should be the theory of alternative protein going forward.

Towards a theory of gustatory taste as a delayed signal for nutrition

They make a really important observation about what taste is:

[Many] nutrients can’t be detected immediately. If they’re bound up deep within the food and need to be both digested and absorbed, it might take minutes, maybe hours, maybe even longer, before the body registers their presence. To get enough of these nutrients, you need to be able to recognize foods that contain these nutrients, even when you can’t detect them from chewing alone.

Taste and texture are signs you learn that help you predict what nutrients are coming down the pipeline. [...] You also learn that the taste of lentils means that you will have more iron in your system soon, even if you can’t detect the iron from merely putting the lentils in your mouth.

But then they have a different explanation for their experience of eating scrambled egg replacement, which is far more immediate.

We recently tried one of these new vegan boxed eggs. It did have the appearance of scrambled eggs, and it curdled much like scrambled eggs. It even tasted somewhat like scrambled eggs. But the experience of eating it was overall terrible. Not the flavor — the deep sense that this was not truly filling, not a food product. Despite simulating the experience of eggs quite closely, we did not want it. Maybe because it was not truly nutritious.

There are two claims here. The first is that taste is a predictor for later nutrient fulfilment. The second suggests that taste might be an immediate signal of nutrition. What’s going on here?

I think basically there are three classes of nutrients:

• Class 1 nutrients we can immediately detect in the mouth via taste receptors and olfaction: the classic tongue receptor tastes of salt, sugar, grease, etc.

• Class 2 nutrients that are detected during or after digestion. Probably selenium counts as this, and many others. You can’t detect these during eating. Probably most nutrients are in this category.

• Class 3 nutrients that are not detected by the body but are nonetheless necessary. Think vitamin C. We don’t ever crave it, but you’ll eventually know through scurvy, and it was just luck or science that linked scurvy with vitamin C. Importantly, there are more nutrients than governors.

I think this is what happens.

The class 1 nutrients are the most important for day-to-day living, so we evolved to have receptors in our mouth to know exactly when it’s happening, and we have a governor for each thing. This forms the basis of taste. We want sweet, salty, fatty things.

For various reasons, we do not detect all nutrients in our mouth. Maybe it’s hard to put those detectors in the mouth, or maybe some compounds are bound in complex molecules and need to be digested. Or maybe they’re just not as important on a day-to-day basis. So there are many nutrients detected downstream in digestion when they get metabolized. However the body still wants a way to tell our conscious mind to desire those things, and that’s hard when our governor only receives information hours after we eat. That’s where taste comes in, as a way to detect proxies that are detectable in the mouth. Taste is a learned predictive model for Class 2 nutrients, which makes use of our immediate senses like sight, class 1 nutrients, and various non-nutritive compounds we can detect via our senses and olfaction. You look at a food and think “yum”, because you ate that thing or something similar in the past, and you didn’t die, and your selenium governor or whatever rewarded your taste model. Probably when your governor gets too low or high on some nutrient, it will inform your taste model.

Let’s look at seaweed snacks. Yummy, great. They’re salty and full of iodine. Your mouth (probably) cannot detect iodine (that’s why iodized salt is so successful for people to adopt), but you definitely need iodine. You eat a bunch of seaweed snacks and your iodine receptor in your blood or stomach or wherever rewards your taste model, and you learn to associate seaweed and its salty, green, oceany taste and grit between your teeth with being tasty. Your mouth takes advantage of the things it can detect: texture, salt, volatile compounds via retronasal olfaction, to build this predictive model of iodine. If you get low in iodine, maybe your iodine governor makes you find seaweed even more tasty.

Also think about wine, beer, and coffee. Kids hate these things, but your body has a delayed reception for alcohol and caffeine which it oh-so-loves, and you learn to love these bitter once-horrid beverages. Your taste model has been updated by your good-time governors.

Class 1 and 2 nutrient detectors and tastes exist to PREVENT you from eating these foods, acting as ways to stimulate anti-hunger or disgust. For class 1, salt detectors probably work to stop us from eating too much salt, which would kill us! For class 2, think of rotten foods or poop! There are many anti-nutrients or toxins in those that we don’t have sensors for or don’t want to wait until we swallow as they would harm us, so we use smell or taste of associated proxy compounds to tell us to avoid it.

Great! Taste is your body’s way of creating a delayed signal for nutrients and giving your nutrient governors a vector of action.

Little Aside: Food can still be bad

In SMTM’s example of the fake egg, they immediately didn’t like it. I think this can be explained one of two ways:

1. It did satisfy their taste model, but for some reason didn’t satisfy their immediate class 1 governors. E.g. it had a good smell and texture, but didn’t have enough fat or proteins or something to be a perfect match.

2. It could have just not satisfied their taste model. I think this is probably more likely. Plant-based products are not that close to the real thing. It could have been an un-tasty product that didn’t mimic the eggs they were expecting well enough. It was bad and weird food!

Gaslighting the Governors

Here’s a problem. What if you created AltSeaweed, a seaweed snack with all the properties of seaweed, but no iodine?

Taste is just a model based on the things we can immediately sense. The color, texture, and flavors are the same. Our iodine governor says more of that please, and so we eat it and like it. But then our governor gets confused a few hours later when there’s no iodine coming down the pipe. We’ve got a pretty established neural pathway to enjoy this snack and associate it with iodine, what should the governor do? Does it get freaked out?

I think this probably happens all the time. Some seaweed has way more iodine than others, and we don’t want to update too hard against it. So your taste doesn’t update too much, and you get lower and lower in iodine as you eat this alternative seaweed.

But eventually this should become a problem, and you will update your taste model against it, increase your governor’s drive, or displace the food to want something else where the taste model is accurate.

But importantly, you SHOULD be able to gaslight your class 2 nutrient governors for some time. Not forever, but for a bit. And this should be part of alternative protein strategy. I think the eggs example from SMTM was because of failed gaslighting, it failed on taste or the class 1 governors. The speed with which you dislike it tells you which class of governor failed.

This has large implications for alternative proteins that don’t fulfil all class 2 nutrient needs, how long can this keep going?

The origin and terror of undetectable class 3 nutrients

I think it’s likely that most nutrients are class 3, we don’t have immediate receptors for them in the mouth, and we don’t have delayed receptors for them in the rest of the body. It’s just if we don’t get enough of them we eventually become less healthy or die. We do not have governors for these nutrients.

So why do these exist? I’d say probably because in an ancestral food environment, certain nutrients are correlated. Vitamin C is correlated with fruit, and lots of other foods that we are eating and craving anyway. So it was only when we put people in weird conditions on 17th century ships with only hard tack, salt pork, and rum that we found a food environment that met the class 1 and class 2 nutrients, but managed to leave Vitamin C out. And so, scurvy. (After showing them this draft, the SMTM team told me they had written about this story before.)

I think this phenomenon probably explains partially why the Standard American Diet with its packaged foods is bad. It’s not that ultra-processing or seed oils are per-se bad, it’s just that they are likely to leave out important class 3 nutrients. It is also probably why whole-food diets tend to perform very well, it turns out that a ton of nutrients are not detectable by our various bodily sensors, or by science.

The governors can be wireheaded

So for class 1 and class 2 nutrients, we have governors for each one. And we do not have governors for class 3 nutrients.

What if we created foods that just satisfy only these really well. Well done, you have invented chips! We call this phenomenon hyperpalatibility.

There is currently no good explanation for hyperpalitability. Why is ice cream delicious but eating sugar by the spoonful with glasses of cream not? Why are ice cream and chips both cravable even though they have very different nutrients?

With this theory, we can explain hyperpalatibility as any food that can wirehead multiple governors without pissing off other governors and hitting their upper bound. Ice cream goes for sugar and fat while satisfying textures and flavors of the taste model, and not hitting any governor too hard - sugar maxes out the sugar governor without hitting any other governors or satisfying the taste model.

Given that we can now separate and recombine nutrients from the natural word into many new forms and combinations, it makes sense that our food science has directed in ways to appease our governors. This explains adoption of hyperpalitable food in the Standard American Diet.

There are people that are resistant to the Standard American Diet and love salad. I am one of them. What the hell is going on? I think it’s because there seems to be a way to care about class 2 nutrients more than class 1 nutrients, which are harder to wirehead. Or maybe class 2 nutrient governors are easier to atrophy.

It was time to lose weight. Maybe 20 pounds. I looked to internet sages for advice. The prescription: calorie counting, weighing my food. Truly, life has no joy. But through searching for control and an easy way out amidst this horror, I stumbled on the work of Dr. Greger and his far-more-legit-than-it-sounds project: Nutritionfacts.org.

Dr. Greger had scoured the depths of academia to compile literature reviews putting together all current evidence on the most pressing issues of our times, and forged them into three books: How Not to Age, How Not to Die, and, most importantly for us, How Not to Diet. Throughout these books, there are a number of small effect size tweaks he mentions, but he comes to the same conclusion: plant-based food, not too much of it, and do some exercise. Good advice for sure, but I wanted the magic pill to rid myself of all ailments.

These books traverse the world of all the strategies, powders, pills, and potions that have been tried, and the evidence for them, from epidemiology to RCTs. Many of these are cheap spices. Inside you are two wolves, and one of them is Bryan Johnson. I needed to create my own totally-optimal blend.

Dr. Greger himself takes some spice powders. He’s been known to dose amla, nigella seeds, pippali, and turmeric. However, the method by which he takes them seems suboptimal. In order to get himself to ingest them, he recommends wrapping the doses in a potato starch wrapper that can slide down your gullet flavorlessly.

It occurred to me there must be a better way. For one, spices are delicious and should be treated that way. And secondly, if you’re wrapping them one by one, it limits how many spices you can add, making it incredibly laborious.

Enter my great innovation: mixing all the spices into one potent concoction, ideally in an old big Grillo’s pickles tub. To dose, I take one tablespoon, and mix it with one tablespoon of vinegar, another ingredient with very good evidence of weight loss efficacy (see below). Together, they make a kind of cursed hot sauce. People eventually caught wind of me covering my air-fried broccoli with this mix, or making a bewildering spice drink, and I would struggle to explain it was “for weight loss.” My girlfriend started referring to it as my “fat boy sauce.”

But here it is. From many researchers’ efforts to Dr. Greger’s amalgamation, to my brain and innovation, to you.

Recipe for Fat Boy Sauce

This recipe will provide the basis for a sauce for 24 days. Each day you consume 2 tablespoons.

Mix 1 tablespoon of spice mix with 1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar. Mix with 1tsp of olive oil if not consuming with other fats (many spices have oil-soluble compounds).

Do this twice a day. Either use it as a sauce, a dressing, or add warm water to make a spiced vinegar tea.

I buy spices in bulk, and this ends up costing 33¢ per day.

Also, eat at least 2 tbsp of powdered flax seeds each day.

You might also want to include cocoa, fenugreek seed, cardamom, rosemary, and pippali powders. What I have already rounds out at a nice 2tbsp, so I wanted to limit it. But you can also add 0.7g of Saffron without adding significant volume. This adds an additional 27¢ per day, so almost as much as the rest but still not crazy.

Uses for Fat Boy Sauce

You gotta get it down twice a day.

Just mix it up (optionally with 5g olive oil) then you’ve got your dipping sauce.

Add warm water to make it fat boy sauce tea.

Add olive oil, 2 tbsp of ground flax seeds, and water to make it into fat boy sauce nutty dressing. I use it to just dress some lettuce, it’s… interesting.

Air fry some broccoli and toss it in sauce for fbs buffalo (?) broccoli.

Heat up some edamame, mix it with extra nooch for fat boy sauce noochy edamame. Honestly my favorite one so far.

Please add in more suggestions in the comments.

Godspeed.

The Evidence

The Skinny

• Vinegar: tricks your body into thinking you’ve exercised

• Nooch: beta-glucan fiber reduces inflammation

• Cumin: appetite suppressant

• Ginger: triggers brown fat (fat-burning fat cells)

• Cayenne: triggers brown fat and potentially creates more of it

• Garlic: broadly anti-inflammatory, good metabolic effects

• Black cumin: appetite suppressant, plus interesting anti-inflammatory properties

• Ceylon Cinnamon: also triggers brown fat

• Turmeric: not for weight loss, but very well-tested anti-inflammatory effects

• Pepper: increases absorption of turmeric, and probably of other compounds

• Amla: one of the highest-antioxidant foods that exists

• Saffron: appetite suppressant. Also matched prescription drugs for Alzheimer’s and depression in trials

Core Spices

1. Nutritional Yeast — 2 tsp/day

Keep in mind that all studies here come from Big Nooch.

Mosikanon et al. (2017, double-blind RCT, n=44, 6 weeks) gave overweight/obese people yeast beta-glucan (477mg/day escalating to 954mg/day, ~2-4 tsp nutritional yeast equivalent) or placebo. The beta-glucan group lost about an inch off their waist over 6 weeks, and blood pressure and inflammatory markers improved. Santas et al. (2017, double-blind RCT, n=56, 12 weeks) gave overweight/obese people 3g/day of yeast beta-glucan (~4-6 tbsp nutritional yeast equivalent) or placebo. The supplement group lost about 4 lbs more than the placebo over 12 weeks. Talbott & Talbott (2009, double-blind RCT, n=75 marathon runners, 4 weeks post-race) found 250-500mg/day of yeast beta-glucan (~2-4 tsp nutritional yeast equivalent) halved the rate of upper respiratory infections vs placebo and improved mood.

Proposed mechanism: Beta-glucan fiber reduces chronic low-grade inflammation. Obesity creates a feedback loop where excess fat tissue produces inflammatory signals, which in turn promote further fat storage and insulin resistance. Breaking this cycle may allow the body to release stored fat more easily.

2. Cumin — 1 tsp/day

Zare et al. (2014, RCT, n=88, 3 months) gave overweight women calorie-restricted diets with or without ~1 tsp cumin powder in yogurt. The cumin group lost about 4 lbs more and an extra inch off their waist over 3 months. Taghizadeh et al. (2015, double-blind RCT, n=78, 8 weeks) found cumin capsules matched orlistat (a prescription weight-loss drug) for weight and BMI reduction over 8 weeks, and actually outperformed it on insulin metabolism. Beyond weight, cumin is rich in salicylic acid (a natural anti-inflammatory). The yogurt study probably wasn’t blinded (you can taste cumin), the capsule study used essential oil extract rather than whole cumin, and the Taghizadeh paper has received an expression of concern from the journal — but the direction is consistent across studies.

Proposed mechanism: Appetite suppression, though the specific pathway isn’t well understood. The salicylic acid content provides anti-inflammatory benefits similar to aspirin without the bleeding risk.

3. Ginger — 1 tsp/day (dried/ground)

A meta-analysis of 27 RCTs (Rafieipour et al., 2024, n=1,309) found ginger supplementation reduced body weight by 1.5 kg (~3.3 lbs), BMI by 0.6, and waist circumference by 1 cm over 8–12 weeks, with an optimal dose of 2g/day (~1 tsp). An earlier meta-analysis (Maharlouei et al., 2019, 14 RCTs, n=473) also found significant reductions in fasting glucose and insulin resistance. Mansour et al. (2012, crossover, n=10) found 1 tsp ginger powder at breakfast increased thermic effect by 43 kcal and reduced hunger. Brown adipose tissue (BAT) activation was confirmed with PET imaging using grains of paradise (same family): Sugita et al. (2013, crossover, n=19) showed increased brown fat energy expenditure after a single dose. Beyond weight, ginger matched ibuprofen for menstrual cramps (n=150), matched sumatriptan for migraines at just 1/8 tsp (n=100), and rivaled Dramamine for motion sickness. It also reduces inflammation, lowers blood sugar, and protects DNA. Dried outperforms fresh.

Proposed mechanism: Dried ginger activates brown fat (BAT) via TRPM8 — the cold-sensing receptor. Drying converts gingerols to shogaols, which are more potent at triggering this receptor. BAT burns stored fat to generate heat.

4. Cayenne (the hotter the better) — ½ tsp/day

A meta-analysis (Ludy, Moore & Mattes, 2012) found capsaicin boosts energy expenditure by roughly 50–70 cal/day at higher doses and suppresses appetite (the effect is smaller at culinary doses). Janssens et al. (2013, crossover, n=15, 36-hour respiration chamber sessions) found capsaicin largely counteracted the metabolic slowdown from calorie restriction — keeping metabolism close to full-calorie levels despite a 25% deficit. Nirengi et al. (2016, double-blind RCT, n=20, 8 weeks) showed daily capsinoids (non-pungent capsaicin analogs) increased brown fat density by 46% over 8 weeks, which partially reversed after stopping. A US cohort study (n=16,179) found 13% lower mortality in hot red chili pepper consumers, corroborating an earlier Chinese cohort that found a similar inverse relationship. Capsaicin also halved cluster headache attacks, improved irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) pain, and outperformed Propulsid for chronic indigestion. The metabolic boost is real but modest at food-level doses, and the longevity data is observational.

Proposed mechanism: Capsaicin activates TRPV1 — the heat receptor — triggering BAT. Unlike ginger (TRPM8/cold) and cinnamon (TRPA1), this is a different thermoreceptor, so all three could theoretically stack. Capsaicin also recruits new brown fat over weeks of consumption.

5. Garlic Powder — ¼ tsp/day

Soleimani et al. (2016, double-blind RCT, n=110, 15 weeks) gave non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD) patients ¼ tsp garlic powder or placebo. The garlic group lost nearly 6 lbs of body fat over 15 weeks, and 51% showed liver improvement on ultrasound vs 16% on placebo. A second RCT found ½ tsp/day reduced weight and waist within 6 weeks. Aged garlic extract showed no benefit — fresh allicin-containing forms (powder or raw) appear to be what works. Beyond weight, garlic ranks third in the Dietary Inflammatory Index, a 13-year Chinese cohort (~27,500 elderly) found ~10% lower mortality in regular garlic eaters. It also cut common cold incidence by 63% over 12 weeks (Josling, n=146), improved rheumatoid arthritis symptoms (n=70), and boosted memory in healthy volunteers. The 6-lb result from ¼ tsp seems almost too good — it came from an NAFLD population and needs independent replication. Garlic thins blood; stop a week before surgery.

Proposed mechanism: Broad metabolic effects — anti-inflammatory, lipid-lowering, prebiotic (feeds gut Bifidobacteria). The weight loss may be downstream of improved metabolic function rather than a direct effect.

6. Black Cumin (Nigella sativa) — ¼ tsp/day

Mousavi et al. (2018, meta-analysis, 13 RCTs, n=875) found black cumin reduced body weight by about 3.9 lbs and BMI vs placebo over 8–12 weeks at doses of ~¼ tsp/day. Ibrahim et al. (2014, RCT, n=30, 2 months) found ¼ tsp/day dropped LDL (”bad”) cholesterol 27% over 2 months — comparable to a statin — and levels crept back up after stopping. Additional meta-analyses confirm benefits for blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol, and inflammation. Black cumin also activates AMPK (the same longevity pathway as metformin), and improved memory and cognition in both healthy adolescents (n=48) and elderly volunteers (n=40).

Proposed mechanism: Appetite suppression drives the weight loss. Broader effects likely stem from thymoquinone, the main bioactive compound, which activates AMPK (the same energy-sensing enzyme targeted by metformin) and has anti-inflammatory properties.

7. Cinnamon (Ceylon) — ¼ tsp/day

The weight-loss evidence is mixed. Three RCTs found 1-7 lbs of loss, but at least six others found nothing. The majority are negative. The health evidence is stronger: a meta-analysis of 12 RCTs (Zhu et al., 2020) found ½-1½ tsp/day increased blood antioxidant capacity and reduced inflammation. Half a teaspoon quintuples the antioxidant power of a bowl of oatmeal, and cinnamon tea reduced glycemic response by nearly 40%. One important wrinkle: nearly all blood-sugar studies used cassia cinnamon, and when Wickenberg et al. (2012, RCT, n=10) tested Ceylon specifically, the effect disappeared — the benefit may have been from cassia’s toxic coumarin. Cinnamon is in the blend primarily to complete the BAT receptor trifecta (TRPA1, alongside ginger’s TRPM8 and cayenne’s TRPV1), and for the well-documented antioxidant boost. Must be Ceylon — cassia exceeds the tolerable coumarin intake at just 1 tsp/day.

Proposed mechanism: Cinnamon activates TRPA1 thermoreceptors and causes browning of white fat cells in vitro, but the inconsistent human results suggest this doesn’t translate reliably at culinary doses. The stacking with ginger and cayenne is mechanistically plausible but untested.

8. Turmeric — ¼ tsp/day

Not for weight loss, but generally consumed by health-maxxers. Turmeric is ranked the single most anti-inflammatory food in the Dietary Inflammatory Index, outperforming prednisolone (a corticosteroid) in vitro. Lang et al. (2015, RDBPCT, n=50) added curcumin to standard ulcerative colitis (UC) treatment — 54% achieved remission vs 0% on placebo over 1 month. A meta-analysis of 16 RCTs (Wang et al., 2021, n=1,810) found turmeric matched NSAIDs (like ibuprofen) for knee osteoarthritis over up to 16 weeks with a better safety profile. Percival et al. (2012) found that just 1/8 tsp daily for one week reduced DNA damage by 55% in a before/after study. Curcumin also improved endothelial function as much as 8 weeks of aerobic exercise (Akazawa et al., n=32, 8 weeks), and whole turmeric (not supplements) showed dramatic improvement in a 3-patient Alzheimer’s case series — though two proper RCTs of curcumin supplements for dementia both failed. The UC result used high-dose extract, not ¼ tsp. May trigger gallstone pain; limit to <1 tsp if prone to oxalate kidney stones.

Proposed mechanism: Curcumin suppresses NF-kB (a master inflammatory switch) and multiple inflammatory pathways simultaneously. Bioavailability is poor — most gets deactivated by the liver — but black pepper’s piperine blocks this, boosting absorption 2,000%. Whole turmeric may outperform isolated curcumin.

9. Black Pepper — ¼ tsp/day

A pure support ingredient that increases the absorption of everything else. Shoba et al. (1998, crossover, n=8) found adding piperine (black pepper’s pungent compound) boosted curcumin bioavailability by 2,000% — from barely detectable in blood to significantly elevated. Even a twentieth of a teaspoon was enough. A 50:1 turmeric-to-pepper ratio for five days before radiation therapy cut oxidative damage by ~50%, and adding 1/8 tsp pepper to turmeric on ground beef boosted turmeric’s anti-oxidation effect by about half (pepper alone did nothing). The same bioenhancer effect could theoretically boost drug levels, so anyone on medication should be aware — though ¼ tsp in food is unlikely to cause issues.

Proposed mechanism: Piperine inhibits glucuronidation — the liver process that deactivates curcumin and many other plant compounds. By blocking this pathway, pepper keeps curcumin active long enough to be absorbed.

10. Amla (Indian Gooseberry) — ¼ tsp/day

In a database of 3,100+ foods (Carlsen et al., 2010), dried amla ranked among the most antioxidant-dense whole foods tested. A meta-analysis of 9 RCTs (Brown et al., 2023, n=535) found amla significantly reduced LDL (”bad”) cholesterol, triglycerides, and inflammation vs placebo. Usharani et al. (2013, RDBPCT, n=80, 12 weeks) found it performed comparably to atorvastatin (a statin) over 12 weeks. A quarter teaspoon decreased oxidative DNA damage in a double-blind crossover trial (Kapoor et al., 2019, n=15). Amla may also lower Lp(a) (lipoprotein(a)) — a stubborn cardiovascular risk factor few interventions touch — and works as well as antacids for reflux. Both Usharani studies are from the same research group, so independent replication would strengthen confidence.

Proposed mechanism: Extraordinarily dense in vitamin C and polyphenols. The antioxidant and anti-inflammatory effects likely drive the cardiovascular benefits — reducing oxidative stress on arterial walls.

11. Saffron — 30mg/day

Abedimanesh et al. (2017, RDBPCT, n=84, 8 weeks) gave coronary artery disease patients 30mg/day saffron extract or placebo. The saffron group lost about 5 lbs more and nearly an inch off the waist over 8 weeks, consuming ~170 fewer calories per day. Gout et al. (2010, RDBPCT, n=60, 8 weeks) found saffron cut snacking frequency roughly in half. Beyond weight, saffron matched donepezil (the leading Alzheimer’s drug) over 22 weeks in a head-to-head trial (n=54) with comparable side effects (less vomiting), and a meta-analysis of 11 RCTs (Toth et al., 2019) confirmed it’s non-inferior to antidepressants for mild-to-moderate depression — without the sexual dysfunction that SSRIs (standard antidepressants) cause in ~70% of users. It also improved visual acuity in macular degeneration (Broadhead et al., n=100). The Alzheimer’s trials were all from the same Iranian group, and Iran produces 90% of the world’s saffron — national interest is a fair concern. The snacking study was industry-funded.

Proposed mechanism: Crocin and safranal have antioxidant properties. Weight loss appears driven by appetite suppression. For Alzheimer’s, saffron may inhibit acetylcholinesterase — the same mechanism as donepezil.

Other things to put in your mouth

Vinegar — 1 tbsp per meal

Kondo et al. (2009, RDBPCT, n=155, 12 weeks) gave obese Japanese adults 1-2 tbsp of vinegar daily or a placebo. The high-dose group lost about 4 lbs, reduced waist circumference, and lost visceral fat on CT scan over 12 weeks — the placebo group gained weight. Johnston et al. (2004, crossover, n=29) found 2 tsp vinegar before a high-carb meal improved insulin sensitivity by 19% in insulin-resistant subjects and 34% in type 2 diabetics — on par with some diabetes medications for acute blood sugar control. A bedtime study (White & Johnston, 2007, crossover, n=11) found 2 tbsp ACV at bedtime reduced fasting glucose from 137 to 118 mg/dL in type 2 diabetics. A small pilot (Wu et al., 2013, n=7) found that daily vinegar restored ovulation in 4 of 7 women with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) within 40 days. The Harvard Nurses’ Health Study found 54% lower fatal heart attack risk in women who used oil-and-vinegar dressing 5+ times per week, though that’s observational. The Kondo study was funded by Mizkan (a vinegar company), and ACV tablets tested across 8 brands contained no actual ACV — stick to liquid. Never drink vinegar straight (esophageal burns); dilute in water or use on salads.

Proposed mechanism: Acetic acid activates AMPK (AMP-activated protein kinase) — the same energy-sensing enzyme activated by exercise and metformin. A Korean study confirmed 3x AMPK activation in fat biopsies from vinegar consumers. Acetic acid also slows gastric emptying and inhibits enzymes that break down starch, blunting blood sugar spikes.

Ground Flaxseed — 2 tbsp/day

A meta-analysis of 45 RCTs (Mohammadi-Sartang et al., 2017) found ground flaxseed reduced body weight by about 2 lbs, with stronger effects at doses of 30g+/day (~2 tbsp) for 12+ weeks in people with BMI over 27. Two outlier RCTs from the book showed ~20 lbs lost in 12 weeks, but those are extreme and the meta-analysis average is more realistic. The standout result is blood pressure: the FlaxPAD trial (Rodriguez-Leyva et al., 2013, RDBPCT, n=110, 6 months) found 30g/day of milled flaxseed dropped systolic blood pressure by 15 points and diastolic by 7 in hypertensives over 6 months — 2-3x more effective than calcium-channel blockers or ACE inhibitors, making it one of the most potent dietary blood-pressure interventions ever documented. For cancer, Thompson et al. (2005, RDBPCT, n=32) found 25g/day in muffins reduced breast tumor proliferation by 34% and increased cancer-cell death by 31% in just 5 weeks before surgery. Demark-Wahnefried et al. (2008, RCT, n=161) found 30g/day roughly halved prostate tumor proliferation rates over ~30 days before surgery. Flaxseed also beat both psyllium and lactulose for constipation in RCTs, reduced oxylipins (inflammaging compounds) to 20-year-old levels within 4 weeks, matched Flomax/Proscar for BPH (benign prostatic hyperplasia) symptoms, and matched hormone therapy for menopausal symptoms. Must be ground — whole seeds pass through undigested. Ground flax keeps for 4+ months at room temperature, and baking doesn’t damage the lignans or omega-3s. Flaxseed oil and extract don’t work for weight loss.

Proposed mechanism: Soluble fiber swells in the gut, suppressing appetite. Lignans (plant estrogens) appear to drive the cancer effects — they extend the menstrual cycle by about a day (reducing lifetime estrogen exposure) and directly slow tumor proliferation. The blood pressure effect may come from alpha-linolenic acid (an omega-3 fat) and peptides that inhibit angiotensin-converting enzyme, similar to ACE inhibitor drugs.

Wheat Germ — 1–2 tbsp/day

Wheat germ is the most concentrated food source of spermidine, the most potent known dietary autophagy inducer. Kiechl et al. (2018, prospective cohort, n=829, 20-year follow-up) found that those in the top third of dietary spermidine intake had a mortality rate as if 5.7 years younger — spermidine was the single most predictive nutrient out of 146 assessed, and the finding replicated in a second independent cohort. Eisenberg et al. (2016) showed dietary spermidine extended mouse lifespan up to 25% and reduced cardiac hypertrophy, with the benefit dependent on functional autophagy. Centenarians maintain youthful spermidine levels while most people’s drop to a third by their 60s–70s (Pucciarelli et al., 2012). Pekar et al. (2021, n=85, 3 months) found wheat germ rolls improved cognition in mild dementia patients — but the best-designed RCT, SmartAge (2022, double-blind, n=100, 12 months), found no significant cognitive benefit, possibly due to a lower spermidine dose (0.9 mg vs 3.3 mg/day). A double-blind RCT (n=100, 90 days) found spermidine supplementation significantly reduced hair shedding, though it used a multi-ingredient formula. Wheat germ can also improve period symptoms (Atallahi et al., triple-blind RCT, n=80) and boost gut Bifidobacteria. The metabolic evidence is weak — a meta-analysis of RCTs found non-significant effects on cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood sugar. Avoid if you have active cancer (autophagy could sustain tumor viability). Too bulky for the spice blend. Supplements labeled “SPERMIDINE” are literally wheat germ in capsules at 60x the price.

Proposed mechanism: Spermidine induces autophagy — the cellular “spring cleaning” that clears damaged proteins and organelles, and declines with age. Also stabilizes DNA, restores autophagy in aged immune cells, and enhances mitochondrial respiration. The longevity hypothesis is mechanistically compelling even though specific clinical endpoints remain unproven.

Other spices to consider

Cocoa Powder (not dutched) — 1–2.5 tsp/day

Heinrich et al. (2006, double-blind RCT, n=24, 12 weeks) gave women ~2.5 tsp natural cocoa powder daily or a low-flavanol control. UV-induced skin redness decreased 15% at 6 weeks and 25% at 12 weeks, with improved skin thickness, density, and hydration. Yoon et al. (2016, double-blind RCT, 24 weeks) confirmed significant improvement in skin elasticity and decreased wrinkle depth after 24 weeks. Munguia et al. (2019, double-blind RCT, n=134 across two phases, 12 weeks) found 1 tbsp natural cocoa per day improved grip strength (+1.7 kg), walking performance, and muscle mass index in older adults — notably, Dutched cocoa performed no better than placebo. The COCOA-PAD pilot (McDermott et al., 2020, n=44, 6 months) showed a 43-meter improvement in 6-minute walk distance in peripheral artery disease patients. Neshatdoust et al. (2016, RCT, 12 weeks) found high-flavanol cocoa significantly increased BDNF and improved global cognition vs low-flavanol control. Cocoa also dose-dependently lowers blood pressure (Grassi et al., -4.8/-3.0 mmHg), reduces NF-kappaB activation, and extends fruit fly lifespan. A meta-analysis of 48 studies confirmed significant reductions in oxidative stress markers. The mega-trial COSMOS (n=21,442) used cocoa extract capsules rather than powder and found a 27% reduction in CVD death but no cognitive benefit. Must be natural, not Dutch-processed — Dutching destroys 50%+ of flavanols.

Proposed mechanism: Epicatechin stimulates endothelial nitric oxide synthase, increasing blood flow to skin, muscles, and brain. This drives the skin, muscle, blood pressure, and cognitive benefits through a single vascular pathway. Also suppresses NF-kappaB (anti-inflammatory) and acts as a prebiotic for butyrate-producing gut bacteria.

Fenugreek Seed Powder — ¼–1 tsp/day

Poole et al. (2010, double-blind RCT, n=49, 8 weeks) gave resistance-trained men 500 mg fenugreek extract or placebo. The fenugreek group gained 80 lbs more on leg press than placebo and lost significantly more body fat (-2.3% vs -0.4%). A meta-analysis of clinical trials (Mansoori et al., 2020) found fenugreek significantly increased total testosterone in men, with individual RCTs showing about 10% increase within 3 months and improved sexual function. Rao et al. (2015, double-blind RCT, n=80, 2 menstrual cycles) found fenugreek extract raised estradiol and testosterone in premenopausal women, approximately doubling sexual activity vs placebo. A separate RCT (Steels et al., 2017, n=115, 12 weeks) reduced hot flushes and night sweats in postmenopausal women. For metabolic effects, a meta-analysis found fenugreek significantly reduced fasting blood sugar, HbA1c, and LDL — with whole powder outperforming extract supplements. Fenugreek also possesses anticancer properties in vitro, is a galactagogue (increases breast milk), and extends lifespan in lower organisms. The strength data is impressive but comes from a single study. The testosterone and sexual function RCTs were mostly funded by Gencor (manufacturer of proprietary Testofen/Libifem extracts). Apparently it makes your armpits smell like maple syrup.

Proposed mechanism: Steroidal saponins (diosgenin, protodioscin) modulate sex hormone levels. Galactomannan fiber slows carbohydrate absorption. The muscle strength effect may be downstream of improved testosterone and reduced body fat. Whole powder works better than extracts for blood sugar, possibly due to the fiber content.

Cardamom — 1.5 tsp/day

Daneshi-Maskooni et al. (2018, double-blind RCT, n=87, 3 months) gave overweight NAFLD patients 3g/day cardamom (~½ tsp 3x/day) or placebo. The cardamom group saw a significant increase in SIRT1 (a longevity-associated enzyme that declines with age) plus reductions in CRP, TNF-alpha, IL-6, and improved liver function — though no change in weight. A companion analysis from the same trial found improved insulin sensitivity, HDL, and a 40-point drop in triglycerides. Aghasi et al. (2019, double-blind RCT, n=83, 10 weeks) replicated the SIRT1 increase in type 2 diabetics and found a 0.4% HbA1c improvement. Kazemi et al. (2017, double-blind RCT, n=80, 8 weeks) confirmed anti-inflammatory and antioxidant benefits in pre-diabetic women. A meta-analysis of 5 RCTs (2020) confirmed a significant 20-point triglyceride reduction. In vitro, cardamom supercharged natural killer cells to kill 10x more lymphoma cells (Majdalawieh & Carr, 2010), but there are no human cancer trials. The dose (1.5 tsp/day total) is high — it would dominate a blend. All RCTs come from overlapping Iranian research groups and were conducted in metabolic disease populations, so independent replication in healthy people is needed.

Proposed mechanism: Upregulates SIRT1 — the sirtuin enzyme involved in cellular stress resistance, inflammation regulation, and metabolic homeostasis. SIRT1 declines with age and is associated with frailty and cognitive decline. The triglyceride and insulin improvements may be downstream of SIRT1 activation.

Rosemary — ½ tsp/day

Older adults with a mean age of 75 were given various doses of powdered dried rosemary in a double-blind crossover RCT (Pengelly et al., 2012, n=28). The lowest dose — just half a teaspoon — significantly improved memory speed. Critically, the highest dose (about 2 tablespoons) significantly impaired cognition, showing a clear inverted-U dose-response. Percival et al. (2012, n=10-12 per spice, 7 days) found two teaspoons of rosemary per day for one week reduced oxidative stress-induced DNA strand breaks by about 25% and lowered TNF-alpha — though rosemary did not show significant intrinsic DNA protection without a free radical challenge (turmeric was the only spice that did). Even sniffing rosemary improved cognition: Moss & Oliver (2012, n=20) found cognitive performance correlated with plasma levels of 1,8-cineole (a rosemary compound) absorbed through the lungs. A rosemary + grapefruit extract (Nobile et al., 2016, n=90) increased UV protection by 37% at 8 weeks, though it was a combination product. Rosemary also contributed to the spice blend that halved meat oxidation markers in the Li et al. crossover. Most studies are small, and the cognitive study was single-dose acute effects. Whole herb outperforms extracts for cognition. Do not exceed ~1 tablespoon/day.

Proposed mechanism: 1,8-cineole (eucalyptol) crosses the blood-brain barrier within minutes, where it may inhibit acetylcholinesterase (same mechanism as some Alzheimer’s drugs). Carnosic acid and rosmarinic acid are potent antioxidants that suppress TNF-alpha and COX-2 expression.

Pippali (Long Pepper) — unsure dose

Pippali (Piper longum) contains piperlongumine, identified as a natural senolytic — a compound that selectively kills senescent “zombie” cells that accumulate with age and drive chronic inflammation. Wang et al. (2016) found piperlongumine killed senescent human fibroblasts at 2.5–3.25x the rate of normal cells via caspase-mediated apoptosis. A systematic review (Yadav et al., 2020) validated pippali’s traditional pharmacological uses (anti-tumor, anti-diabetic, anti-parasitic) while noting insufficient evidence for many other Ayurvedic claims. Pippali is readily available at Indian grocery stores and has thousands of years of traditional use. The books note it was compelling enough to add to a daily spice regimen alongside amla, black cumin, and turmeric. However, there are zero human clinical trials for senolytic activity. All evidence is from a single in vitro study using one cell type (WI-38 fibroblasts). The selectivity ratios (2.5–3.25x) are modest, and optimized analogues needed to be 50x more potent, suggesting the natural compound may not be strong enough at dietary levels. Not recommended during pregnancy or breastfeeding.

Proposed mechanism: Piperlongumine induces apoptosis selectively in senescent cells via a caspase-dependent, ROS-independent pathway. Senescent cells accumulate with age and secrete inflammatory signals (SASP) that damage surrounding tissue — clearing them is one of the most promising anti-aging strategies, but pippali’s ability to do this at dietary doses is entirely unproven.

After being coerced into the San Franciscan tradition of dunking oneself into the Pacific Ocean on the morning of January 1st after a night of resolutional drinking and half a cigarette, I took it upon myself to direct our car back via the great American institution of 7/11 for a well-deserved Big Gulp. It could have ended right there, with me and my Diet Dr Pepper, but then a new product caught my eye.

The first thing I put in my body this year was a Vlasic Pickle Ball. This was not just the markings of a new year, but the dawn of an entirely new era.

When people think about vegan foods, they think they are condemned to a life sentence of grainy and healthy virtue. But the good people at Vlasic said this wouldn’t be so. They had a vision, and they executed.

Picture it: a harmonious sphere, a radiant green glow, a delicate crunch, and a pickley tang. Pure flavor synthesized into perfect form.

Innovation, nay revolution, can be seeded from the least likely of places.

Note the lineup of the Vlasic products. All of them, the classic jar with briny product format. But one thing stands out.

These guys have bravery, they have guts. Somewhere, deep in the crevices of the $12 billion revenue multinational conglomerate parent company Conagra Foods, someone stood up and said, “Balls”. This is what I call courage. Remember when we did things? When we went to the moon? When we cured smallpox? When we harnessed our powers of production and ingenuity to bring good things down on humanity for the sheer love of the game? These guys remember, and they do it. Not because it is easy, but because it is hard. Or because an executive thought it was a funny pun. And I think for sure this will turn their ship around.

We humans have done some marvelous things. We dug a canal through the sand of the Suez. We took to the skies. We sewed an ear onto a mouse. We built the Great Library of Alexandria. And I would burn it all down again for the Vlasic Pickle Ball.

What right does this orb of delights have to be so good? When you open the bag, you are overcome with the heavenly industrially vinegar bouquet. When my girlfriend is in one of her typical female hysterias, all I need to do is open a bag and waft it in front of her nose, the smelling salts bringing her back from the brink.

The vibrant package just displays two words of marketing: “BIG CRUNCH”. Big crunch indeed. And the flavors. The flavors can only be described as the emergent science of Flavor Maximalism. And yet, somehow this whole fairly large bag is only a very reasonable 290 calories. In fact, it’s one of those foods where you spend more calories processing it than you take in, because you end up writing fevered articles on the internet. The only thing missing is a whiskey ball for the full pickleback experience.

What started as a Pickle Ball-related gimmick marketed to the tennis-for-cowards crowd has clearly blossomed into so much more. It has been out for less than a year at the time of writing, and has already become a cultural civilizational institution. On a night’s jaunt to the best bar in San Francisco, Horsie’s Market, we discover to our amazement that none other than Vlasic’s Pickle Balls were pinned up with the potato confectioneries above the bar. Apparently, the bartender had found a bag on a road trip and bought it because he thought his wife would find it funny. They have mastered their consumer strategy: come for the joke, stay for the perfection. This is expert marketing; they will put their balls in the hands of millions.

And after ALL of this, you know what is amazing? Their sheer humility. Their benevolence. These guys know what they have and what they could charge. And yet, see for yourself here. It is on Amazon for a mere $2.12 for the whole bag.

Priced like tap water.

No notes *

* one note: sticks in your teeth. More the form factor than anything. Vlasic, please make a floss line.

Hello!

Next week, I am hosting a co-working session for AI for Animals at the Frontier Tower, a new ✨Vertical Village✨ and 😎Node in a Network State😎 on Market St that has just started some community operations.

»» Event Invite ««

The AI for Animals team has been working towards a more consistent co-working and community space for animal advocates, especially those working on emerging technologies. It has been pitched as a “Nonhuman Flourishing” floor, that would go in conjunction with another “Human Flourishing” floor.

I’m really excited by this, it was extremely fun to be around all you nerds during the AI for Animals conference, and it would be better if we could have a space to do that permanently.

So come try it out, and we can help make it a reality.

It’s running 11am-6pm Friday 2nd May.

As I stand at the bin, about to throw out a week-old, floppy carrot, I imagine the resources, labor, and care that went into it. I can picture the supply chains in action, the energy, land, and water. The tractors rolling up and down a field, the trucks to bring it to me, and the field worker toiling away under the hot sun.

When we think about food waste, either our own or our indignation towards others’, we experience a very visceral emotional reaction. Something deep down in us that says that this is wrong. It’s at the heart of our sense of human cooperation gone amiss.

The New York Times reported that a third of our food is wasted. I know the VILF readership are highly educated and uniquely compassionate, so reading this you must feel it strongly. But this emotion seems to be universal. The liberal elite at the Guardian has a whole section on food waste. Even Bloomberg is telling us it’s getting worse. Sensationalized garbage? Unfortunately not. This is backed up by the communists at the USDA who say that 31% of all food is lost at the retail and consumer levels. Think of the wasted resources.

You could get very worked up over this. But that would be stupid.

Now, imagine two piles. In one pile, is all the food I consume in a year. It is a gargantuan pile, filled with grains and fruits and beans and an ungodly amount of tahini and wine. In the other, TRIPLE every single item that was in the first pile. It towers above us, occluding the sun.

Every day, I’m going to take a bucket of food out to this second pile and throw it out.

If I threw out 50% more than I was consuming, you would think I was horrific. And yet here I am, throwing out 300% more. I’m doing it anyway, and you know what? I would still be consuming fewer resources: less labor, less land, less energy, and less water than the average American omnivore. Yet they have the nerve to lecture about food waste.

If we really cared about resources and our part in it, then we would think about … exactly that. What resources went into sustaining us? We can measure all of these things: water, land, labor, energy. And yes, we want to get that number down if that number is not sustainable.

The emotion in us that resists food waste seems to act on a per-item or per-volume basis. Not on the kind of food it is or what went into making it. Resource consumption can be quite counterintuitive and we tend to quantify the thing directly in front of us. This comes up in a bunch of places. Did you know, for instance, that ebikes consume less resources than regular bicycles? Once you factor in that bicycles get their propulsion energy from food-powered humans, you can do a calculation. Some nerds did, and it turns out that ebikes over their whole lifecycle come out as more efficient!

It’s worth thinking through these calculations. Even considering an omnivore, who consumes 4 times the resources I do, those resources are disproportionately tipped toward the animal products in their diets. A beef hamburger patty, for example, requires 460 gallons of water to produce—10 times more than a black bean burger. In a steak sandwich, the meat takes up 50 times more land and water than the bread that it is on. It turns out that meat is so inefficient it has tipped the scales of our bicycle fun fact. The exception for when regular bikes use less resources is when you have a vegan on a bicycle, the most efficient form of transport ever created by mankind.

So, what should we conclude? In every possible way that we actually care about the problem, animal product consumption is food waste.

Now, I can preempt some objections. One may be that it isn’t actually food waste as long as it’s being enjoyed, and that the enjoyment is what validates the resource expenditure. This is obviously dumb, you are consuming over 4x the resources that I am. You’re wasting food. The second, I am more sympathetic towards: that resource allocation and responsibility shouldn’t be placed on individuals. While I am a big sucker for collective solutions, I do think veganism is the most effective thing you can do as an individual, and something that all people with a spine should do (purely from the animal welfare perspective). And the food waste problem is already weaponized as an individual failure anyway, so we should just jump on that bandwagon. We should go further, and find ways to extend the feeling to animal products.

I actually have my own objection that will upset the food-waste folks even more – that we actually want some food waste. It seems obvious that we want to live in a world where there is not only enough food to go around, but extra redundancy in the system should something go wrong like a localized famine, or even extra slack so that if pineapples are trending one week then there is enough for everyone. Why not, as long as it is within our means? However, this approach is only acceptable if it still nets out to a fraction of the squandered resources involved in animal-derived products (and doesn't brutalize animals in the process (a different vegan propaganda than what I’m doing here but c’mon)).

The disgust towards food waste is this very core human emotion, and when I stand over the bin with my floppy carrot or liquifying celery, I feel it too. There is a powerful intuition behind it, passed down through evolution and the norms of almost all cultures around the world: we should not claim more resources than we need, and we should not waste the time, energy, and labor that went into things that were made for us.

But our mission now is to harness this emotion and grow it. I want us all to have the same feeling while looking at a burger that I do as my carrot slowly drops into the trash. We must emphasize a simple fact loudly:

Animal products are food waste.

When I mean a vegan protein bar, I mean a serious protein bar. Something that has pretty high protein. Something around 10g of protein for every 100 calories. Any less than that is just a bar with protein.

Now we all know that the bars with less protein bars can be alright if you like that sort of thing. Just kinda oaty, maybe sweet, maybe chocolatey. It’s fine, it’s good, people like them.

But for people who want to ingest a lot of protein, they want much more in there. And a lot of high protein vegan bars are out there. But we know as you keep creeping up the protein scale, it keeps getting grainier and grosser. Various companies have tried to do things around this like puffed soy or overly fake-sweet coatings. But texture has been a huge problem in this category.

Now, Itsi, you may be asking. Great proprietor of the VILF empire. Why gripe about this? Are you not rattling the cage of the laws of physics that determine that protein inclusion generates such results in gustation?

No, fool.

We have alternatives.

My gripe, is that these aren’t better than just eating edamame, the base case for vegan protein. They have higher protein content and are far more delicious. All we’ve done here is extracted the soy protein and squeezed it into bar that is slightly sweet. It’s not even more convenient. It’s really easy to get roasted edamame snacks that are way cheaper than protein bars.

I have no inherent problem with these crazy things we do to nature, but why do it in to create a form that is far more gross than its original state? If you’re going to make a protein bar, it either needs to be better, or have higher protein. But products out there are neither.

We need to stop putting out bad products, it is not good for the movement.

I will go in my classic order

• Do Not Recommend: 9 things

• Something Going For It: 7 things

• Good: 4 things

• Phenomenal: 0 things

Content warnings for yogurt are included because my girlfriend1 hates yogurt.

Let’s start with my complaints. I’ve got things to say.

Do Not Recommend

Pocket’s Chocolates — Mocha Almonds

The almonds were bad. The chocolate was bad.

We gotta stop caffeinating everything. Just sit down and have a damn coffee.

Morning Star — Buffalo Chik’N

These are the crazy blandest nuggs I’ve ever had. I had no Idea they were buffalo until I saw the packet. There are so many good nuggs. Why get this?

Grillo’s — Pickle Chips

I love Grillo’s. They’re one of the best pickle brands. So it does me no joy to say that these are a bad product. None of the zing and crisp of the spears.

Sunrise Health and Natural Foods — Udon Sushi Log

It’s a bunch of udon noodles wrapped in seaweed. Cold pre-prepared udon was never going to work well, and there’s not enough flavor.

Points for being funny though.

«CONTENT WARNING: IMAGES OF VEGAN YOGURT »

Kite Hill — Vanilla Greek Style Yogurt

This is… really gross. I had a very bad reaction to it before I wrote. The only Greek-style is the economic crisis that products like this are causing the plant-based industry.

Mia — Carpaccio Style Deli Slices

As far as deli slices go, it’s ok. But it’s just salty and a bit bland. Doesn’t have that delectable wrongness of processed meat slices from back in the day.

I think thinly sliced gluten is an excellent texture direction though.

«CONTENT WARNING: IMAGES OF VEGAN YOGURT »

Cocojune — Vanilla Cinnamon Greek-Style Yogurt

Why does everything have to be Greek-style? We are so far off having good vegan yogurt.

Appreciated though as a coconut dessert, it’s not so bad

No Cow — Chocolate Salted Caramel Dipped Protein Bar

This bar is really gross and I threw it out. But probably worse is how misleading the product photo on the front is. Come on.

(Try their lemon cheesecake bar though, it’s not so bad)

Siggi’s — Peach Yogurt

It’s grainy and overly sweet and too coconutty. Not great.

Something Going For It

The following products are not too bad

That’s it — Organic Dark Chocolate Espresso Truffle

It tastes a little vegan (you know like date and coconut) but not too vegany. It almost tastes a little boozy. Just 60 cals. Fine by me.

Justin’s — Dark Chocolate Peanut Candy Pieces

Look they’re decent. They’re not peanut MnMs. I’m not going to the shop just for these. But I’m happy to be eating them

Lentiful — Pineapple Chorizo

Instant lentils - I’m not upset they exist. They’re not great but they do the trick. They fill me up when I’m bored and don’t taste terrible.

Trader Joe’s — Hold The Dairy Chocolate Mini-Cones

You know them. You love them. Enough has been said about these elsewhere. Tasty little guys, and they’ve got the solid chocolate at the bottom of the cone.

Goodles — Vegan is Believin’ Mac n’ Cheese

You get points for being a fucked up product. You pour a bunch of white powder into the pan with some buttery thing. Once you add a ton of pepper, it’s not so bad.

Sassy Foods — Vegan Pork Buns

They were a little sweet, and it’s hard to do refrigerated buns well, but they were decent. You can get them at Rainbow Grocer.

«CONTENT WARNING: IMAGES OF VEGAN YOGURT »

Icelandic Provisions — Blueberry Oatmilk Skyr

Vegan yogurt has a long way to go, but I think Icelandic is the best so far. At least it can mimic the sweet fruit yogurts with enough masking.

DO NOT get the vanilla one though, it just tastes like oat. It needs the fruit and sugar.

Good

The good stuff

Grillo’s — Hot Pickle Spears

Some of the best pickles in the game.

Gardein — Spicy Italian Ultimate Saus’ge Links

Incredibly good and flavorful sausages. A+. Got them on discount from Grocery Outlet.

B&G — Sandwich Toppers

All B&G pickled chili products are insane. It’s just pure vinegar and spice. Incredible. Got them on discount from Grocery Outlet.

Daring - Cajun Plant Chicken Pieces

Daring is one of the best chickens out there on a normal day, and this flavor is awesome. High protein, great texture. I got better results from pan frying than from air frying.

Thank you for reading.

More highly opinionated content coming your way shortly.

Share

Get this. You’ve gone down the road for the local Chinese grub.

You look at the menu, and oh fantastic news they’ve got the little 🌱 (vegan) legend at the bottom of the page.

Things are looking up. No need to awkwardly check with the under-informed waitress who started yesterday about what you can eat.

But then. You get to the sides section. And you see it.

Steamed Jasmine Rice

Did you notice that? Something subtle happened here. No 🌱 in sight.

Now you might be thinking. Itsi, you simpleton, it’s steamed white rice. You know that doesn’t have animal products.

Well, you imbecile, that’s the point. This menu has now showed an absolute lack of credibility. What am I meant to think of the scallion pancake? The egg roll? The fried noodles? And what’s more, I don’t think their 🌱 counts for shit. You think I now think that anyone has thought about this menu even a second? The point of the label is not to ask, and now you’re making me ask.

And you know what, there’s like 1 restaurant in 100 that will add butter to their rice or something, and then it’s fucked for everyone, I’ve lost trust in the whole system, so I got to know you’re on my side if you’ve got regular steamed rice.

Just label everything. It’s not hard.

Think of the roti at the Indian restaurant, the samosas. These fellas are on the fence as to their ghee and butter content.

Think of the sauces on the side, your little gremolata or pickle plates or that kinda bullshit.

Think of the fries! No one knows what you’ve done with your fries. These need labels. Stop leaving them out!

New point.

Can we all agree of (V) or (VE) which is going to be vegan and which is going to be vegetarian? They don’t have a legend at the bottom of most of them and it pisses me off.

Two solutions

1. Let’s just agree that (V) will be vegetarian and (VE) will be vegan everywhere.

2. or; All these vegetarians should just stop being cowards and become vegan so we don’t have this problem

If you want all my reviews on a convenient map, head to the main site at Vilf.org. And please share with your friends, this baby won’t grow itself.

Also please comment your suggestions for where I should eat, and I will eat there.

Here’s 9 delicious places in no particular order with great food that I unceremonially let slither down my esophagus in 2024. I will also be adding annoying subheadings for better SEO. You’re welcome.

1. Mensho Tokyo SF

Best vegan ramen in San Francisco

672 Geary St in the Tenderloin

Full Review — Mensho Tokyo Website

You ever had “Holy Shit!” ramen? You should. It’s good for you. This place opens its menu with 3 vegan ramens, all of them are great. The Vegan G.K.O has garlic five (5) ways!!!!

Also, check out their other restaurant Jikasei Mensho which only has one vegan option (yuzu dry ramen) but is extremely good.

2. Huangcheng Noodle House

Best vegan hand-pulled noodles in San Francisco

911 Washington St in Downtown Oakland

Full Review — Huangcheng Noodle House Website

This is worth getting the Bart to Oakland for. Make sure you get the Huangcheng Cold Noodles and ask for them hot. They are some of the best sesame noodles that exist. Cucumber salad is also good. And you can buy the chili oil they make. And bizarrely, they have a robot that serves you, it’s so out of place, incredible.

3. Chisai Sushi Club

Best vegan sushi omakase in San Francisco

3369 Mission St in Bernal Heights

Full Review — Chisai Sushi Club Website

Stop going to Shizen, go here instead. She’s a pricy boy but damn if it isn’t good. Lots of fun flavors and textures, lots of little dishes that they make for you one by one. I was genuinely amazed at a few of them. Excellent date night, try to sit at the counter. The chefs are all drinking beers with each other.

4. Arabian Nights

Best vegan Middle Eastern food in San Francisco

2345 Mission St in the Mission

Full Review — Arabian Nights Website

You enter the unmarked door on Mission St, you go through the main dining room to the back, and there’s the most beautiful patio in the world. The heaters are on. The free BYOB wine is flowing. The dishes are hitting the table. They’re smoking shisha (the server there has to test each one, he’s a smoking machine). Make sure you get the cauliflower, the makdous, and the hummus (it’s very rare I’ll recommend hummus, this one is so good). Each dish is under $10, this is a good find.

5. Four Kings

Best vegan Chinese food in San Francisco

710 Commercial St in Chinatown

Full Review — Four Kings Website

Trendy new Cantonese place that you need to get a recommendation for. But do it, it’s really good. You can ask for their vegan menu. I highly suggest getting the Sichuan cabbage and chiuchow olive green beans. There’s enough vegan options for 2/3 people.

6. Copra

Best vegan South Indian food in San Francisco

1700 Fillmore St in the Fillmore District

Full Review — Copra Website

If you’ve lived in the Bay Area for any amount of time, then I’m sure you’ve amassed a whole bunch of Indian friends who do nothing but talk about how awful Indian food in SF is. This one though… they’re happy with. The only absolute must-get is the chutney palette. Honestly, you could just do that and a drink and it wouldn’t be too expensive. And maybe the Gods Own Coconut dessert made vegan. Otherwise, there’s so much vegan stuff. Go hog-wild.

7. Burmese Kitchen

Best Burmese food in San Francisco

3815 Geary Blvd in Inner Richmond

Full Review — Burmese Kitchen Website

This place is easily the best Burmese food in SF. Burma Love and Burma Superstar can take a god-damned seat. Here, you want to be salad maximizing. I highly recommend the tea leaf salad and tamarind leaf salad, though there’s a lot I haven’t tried yet. Also good squash curry and various applications of chickpea tofu like their falafel-like things. And $5.50 beers!!!

8. Beit Rima

Also the best vegan Middle Eastern food in San Francisco

86 Carl St in Cole Valley

Full Review — Beit Rima Website

Beit Rima is a bit fancier than Arabian Nights, and shines at some other things. They’ve got this thing called hamleh which is fresh chickpeas charred in a garlicy sauce. I’ve never had fresh chickpeas in my life, they’ve got this little inedible casing like edamame. Also their fresh bread is really good and covered in zaatar. There are two locations, the Cole Valley one is a lot nicer than the Castro one.

9. Tacos Oscar

The best vegan tacos in the San Francisco Bay Area

420 40th St in Temescal

Full Review — Tacos Oscar Website

This is one of those places that my friends wouldn’t shut up about until I went there. The fuckers were right. They have a bunch of vegan things, make sure you definitely get the charred broccoli tacos. I was on the fence by the sound of them but they’re really really good.

Thank you for reading. Comment woohoo if you got this far. Also actually post your favorite places so I will eat there.

For all my reviews and a handy map interface, go to Vilf.org

Visit the Vegan Map

Today, you are subjected to a bunch of products that I have bought and eaten recently. I have way more, but it takes a long time to find good ones so I’m going to drip feed them to you over the coming months.

Subscribe and you will get restaurant reviews and cool events you can go to and more crap like this and a formidable air of superiority.

This isn’t any regular listacle. You have to understand how many god-awful products I subject myself to in order to get to these. These have my hard-won recommendation, they are to be respected.

1. Vlasic Pickle Balls

   This is the first thing I ate in 2025 along with a super big gulp. These are like cheetos but way better and pickle flavored. You understand. They can be found on Amazon for cheap when you’re not sold out, or at the 7/11 in the Richmond. I haven’t checked the other 7/11s. Someone, please keep me posted.

   

2. Trader Joe’s Boozy Bottles

   I was expecting these to be bad, BUT THEY WERE GOOD. Little chocolate bottles filled with a small amount of very boozy syrupy cognac. And it’s really cheap. Does life get any better?

3. Field Roast Burger

   Some say I only really liked these because I got them for $1 each at a sale at Grocery Outlet. I guess we’ll never know. I normally rate Field Roast as higher than most of the vegan brands out there. Not their cold cuts, they’re not great, but these guys are alright by me. Some of their sausages are a bit slimy out of the package which isn't that pleasant. But this guy doesn't have that. And it's tasty. Honestly I just air fry these and eat them as is. No bun or anything.

   

4. Olipop Banana Cream

   This drink can only be described as extremely fucked up, I recommend that you try it. Through trial and error we have discovered you really only want to have at most half of a can before the euphoria is replaced with dread, share it with someone. We have also found through our experiments that it makes a nice drink mixed with Fernet.

5. Mother In Law’s Vegan Kimchi

   I ate so much god damn bad kimchi this last month or two. This one was the best. Trader Joes one comes in a medium distance second. I will take more recommendations. This one’s the priciest thing on the list at like $10, they’ve got it at expensive places like Rainbow Grocery and the like. They have a non-vegan version so watch out.

6. Primal Spirit Hot&Spicy Vegan Jerky

   Ok so the thing to know about this brand of vegan jerky is that you can find them for like $1.60 and there are a lot of flavors. But also the different flavors are essentially different products. Some are a gluten base, some are soy, and this one is shitaake mushrooms. I think this is the best one, followed by the soy ones, followed by the gluten ones which are too chewy. But maybe you like that, you salty dog.

   

Please suggest more actually good products

Subscribe for events, restaurant reviews, and products to get around SF

To the good vegans of the San Francisco Bay Area,

Too long have we toiled under the agony of lacking quality local vegan media. This is content. The good stuff. Farm-to-table. Home-grown by some immigrant (yours truly) and shoveled directly into your awaiting gob.

Here, we are among friends.

VILF.org is the SF vegan review website for you. It has a bunch of stuff like this

You can also follow the Instagram for stuff like this:

The point of VILF is to set new standards in veganism, and forge alliances. Gone are the days of the first wave of vegans who would be overjoyed just because there were options (bless their souls). Now there are nice things (and not nice thing), and we must share those with the world and recruit more to our cause.

Every month, find here:

• A recap of key food adventures from VILF.org, so you can find the best restaurants in the city and places to avoid

• Discoveries of actually good vegan snacks and products

• An interview with a local high-powered vegan

• Details of the best vegan events happening around town. Keep an eye out for our potlucks and weekly restaurant group visits

For now, please join our potluck, subscribe to this blog, check out the website, and follow us on Instagram.